And so, I bloomed. Like a peony unfurling its light petals towards the bright sky.

I wouldn’t wish to prattle on with purposeless words in today’s post, but to keep it simple and easy to remember when I needed a little evidence of my own power + aptitude.

What I have achieved in 2020:

• Learn new lessons in personal growth and put them into action
• Bought a house (currently in a housing debt but excited to own a cozy home)
• Published articles and got paid for them! You can read my works here.
• Started a side hustle online business here
• Hit my savings goal of RM8,000 this year

They seem like pretty big accomplishments that my 2019 self would have a hard time believing she can achieve— but then hey, she did it! Of course, all these achievements are made possible because of the help from others, some in very uncanny ways.

Everyone has small little things that can be called achievements, if you feel that you have not done anything this year, dig a little deeper— or it may just be on the surface. Something as easy as waking up every morning is already an accomplishment.

Give yourself a pat on the back, I believe you have your own list of achievements.

I needed the time to quiet down my thoughts, hustles and emotions to find out what I truly needed.

This year, the hardest lesson for me to learn and accept is to slow down. When I was chasing for more, I sowed seeds of doubt within me. Am I on the right path? Am I going fast enough? And with those thoughts, the light inside me flickers before it went out— leaving me in darkness and fear.

And it is within the confines of the darkness that I manifested little nasties: depression, anxiety, anger, and loneliness. Oftentimes I cried at night, releasing my anger through torrents of abusive actions and emotional manipulation.

What I discovered was that I was suffering because I was chasing more and more of what I couldn’t afford, leading to the little nasties. If I could just be happy with what I had, I wouldn’t be so affected by the darkness and would actually enjoy what this year has offered me.

Hence I needed to slow down. It wasn’t an easy truth to come to terms with. Especially when I always feel like I was in a race against time. It took me a year to realize I have to dance to my own music, not to anyone else’s. 

My own pace, time and journey.

2020 is a year filled with lessons of:

1. Learning to be content with being alone
2. Letting go of toxic habits that have grown comfortable
3. Giving more of what you want
4. Stop complaining before trying
5. Slow down and dance according to your music
6. Be grateful for however little you have
7. Being selfish will turn you into a lonely soul

It’s never too late to fix, for I am picking up the broken shards and mending them within me. 2021 will be a year where I am much wiser, secure, and overflowing with positive vibes.

Some days you’ll struggle, but there is always a rainbow waiting for you the next day.

I had been in a turmoil over my stresses, pressure, and burden. I felt like the lid of Pandora’s box had started to crack as an itch inside of me wanted to just unleash all the nasty monsters. I held the quote like a mantra, and it soothed me— if not all, even just a little bit so I don’t crack under the pressure.

Life goes on.