You will never be truly ready for what you want to do
Wednesday, July 29, 2020
I didn’t wait until I was ready, I took the leap and a few days later there was this voice in me, telling me something. It came as a whisper one night, before bed when all i can think of was to enjoy my soft duvets— but my mind now wide awake, my body followed suit. Staring up the dark empty ceiling, I let the words sink into me.
"You’re not ready, don’t do this."
They echoed in my head and the more I think about it, the more it eats away at me. Guilt + uncertainty came crashing in, suffocating my breaths as they become smaller and smaller. A little faint and feeling nauseous, I took a cup of water before sleeping it off. My sleep wasn’t peaceful as the thoughts ate at me, planting diabolical + wicked images in me— I snapped days later.
I took some time to clear my messy thoughts. Perhaps I have too much in my mind, wounds too cavernous, memories sewed too deep. Like spreading out a spider’s web— sticky, fragile and a little loathsome— almost impossible, but it untangled a little, just enough for me to find that calm in me.
I need to stay calm and ask myself the one thing that started this mess of an issue.
Am I ready?
Here is the truth. I am not ready. I never was and it is a terrifying feeling. Imagine jumping into an abyss, what will you find in there? What will you see? Such an unnerving + reckless move. I took the leap when I wasn’t ready then I felt so much pain + self-doubt, but there was never a feeling of regret.
The process of going through something when you’re not ready teaches you so much. It opens your mind and eyes to a whole new perspective. Your heart accepts more than it can and your mind tries to catch up. You see things with a different attitude.
Nobody is ever truly ready
Being unprepared scares me, or anyone in that matter. We all crave a plan, a safety zone because we subconsciously prepare our body + mind from preventing disappointment and failure. It is like throwing oneself into a pit of thorns, if one’s not ready.
Nobody is ever truly ready for what they want to do, this includes you and I. But why do we still get things done? Because while acknowledging that we aren't ready, we still do it. It's a force that pushes us through that gets us there.
This is when growth happens— when you are not ready.
How many times have you pushed past an uncomfortable situation? It is heavy and emotionally + physically draining. Yet we move on and on, taking one step at a time. This is growth. An inner voice may scream for you to let go and give up, yet somewhere in you, an invisible force pushes— growth.
You learn the most when you’re not ready
Darling, being ready gives us a safety net but being not ready will give us an experience of a lifetime. You’ll fall along the way but you’ll stand again and this time, a little wiser than before.
Accepting that this moment of growth is what I needed, my path and choices became clearer to me. I am just a tiny bit wiser but I’m seeing things from a new perspective— and it was refreshing. Am I still afraid? Yes but that leap was taken and I never looked back.
Being unprepared for something could be conflicting for yourself. Your emotions + logic doesn’t work like how they usually do, but trust the Universe on the leap, as you took it for a reason. Do not be afraid. Don’t let the fear within you stop you from experiencing this beautiful yet terrifying moment of growth.
To all conflicting hearts,
Melody
3 Life Lessons I learned in 2019
My mind.
When left alone with my mind, I tend to wander around. Strolling into lush fields of daisies or splashing my feet in clear waters— I can go anywhere in my mind. Just this time, I was put on a time-machine. Reliving my memories this year of both the good and the bad.
I have never experienced a year like 2019. Every year was special, indeed, however 2019 was a whole new episode of personal growth. This year was especially tough on my emotions and tender heart. I lost both my lovely grandmothers unexpectedly, and also lost a few people whom I have kept close to my heart— gone and never to return.
A year where I would cry myself to sleep on bad days, or just laugh until my lungs burst. It was an emotional roller coaster ride with its ups and downs— sometimes I scream on the way down, sometimes I raise my hands on the way up.
Nevertheless, I’ve toughen up through all those times I’ve cried, all those times my heart ached, and all those times I’ve prayed to God to end my misery. By now, I am standing tall and proud of the person I have become.
The me today.
2019 has taught me a lot. Not only in my skills but also how to live an intentional life. As the days in the year goes by, I thought to myself that I want to live a life that is meant for me, not someone else’s. I wanted to live meaningfully and intentionally— a life with much potential for self growth + exploration.
Be thankful for every little thing that happened— The bread you had for your breakfast because it kept you going when there are others struggling to find food. The shitty 9-5 job you have because it enables you to pay your bills. The lady who smiled at you on your way home because it made you feel a little warmer inside. Gratitude cultivates an optimistic approach to life. Be thankful and offer gratitude to the Universe for giving you everything you needed.
Everyone has their own way to deal with things. Some people prefer to rant for others, some people look for feedback, while some prefers to not be bothered. Always tell people how to support you. Let them know if you needed them to just listen, or just let you be. This will actually help someone to understand you better instead of something that might have an adverse effect on your emotional turmoil. Having people supporting you the right way is a step towards a more peaceful life.
If something is lost, it was never meant to be yours in the first place. There is always a reason why we lose things and people— because they aren’t meant to be yours. Things that are meant to be yours, will stay or always find a way back. Never regret over losing something as they are meant to be let go and not yours to keep. Always thank them for coming into your life and as you let them go, remember that better things will come.
Take a deep breath and release, 2019 is over. While the moon rises high tonight, when the clock strikes midnight, welcome the energy of the new year into you.
2019 has taught me a lot. Not only in my skills but also how to live an intentional life. As the days in the year goes by, I thought to myself that I want to live a life that is meant for me, not someone else’s. I wanted to live meaningfully and intentionally— a life with much potential for self growth + exploration.
3 Life Lessons I've Learned in 2019
- Live everyday with gratitude
Be thankful for every little thing that happened— The bread you had for your breakfast because it kept you going when there are others struggling to find food. The shitty 9-5 job you have because it enables you to pay your bills. The lady who smiled at you on your way home because it made you feel a little warmer inside. Gratitude cultivates an optimistic approach to life. Be thankful and offer gratitude to the Universe for giving you everything you needed.
- Tell people how to support you
Everyone has their own way to deal with things. Some people prefer to rant for others, some people look for feedback, while some prefers to not be bothered. Always tell people how to support you. Let them know if you needed them to just listen, or just let you be. This will actually help someone to understand you better instead of something that might have an adverse effect on your emotional turmoil. Having people supporting you the right way is a step towards a more peaceful life.
- Not all things lost, is a loss
If something is lost, it was never meant to be yours in the first place. There is always a reason why we lose things and people— because they aren’t meant to be yours. Things that are meant to be yours, will stay or always find a way back. Never regret over losing something as they are meant to be let go and not yours to keep. Always thank them for coming into your life and as you let them go, remember that better things will come.
Take a deep breath and release, 2019 is over. While the moon rises high tonight, when the clock strikes midnight, welcome the energy of the new year into you.
Life is never easy but as you grow, you learn to cope with it. You struggle and you learn— that is what makes life worth living.
To better years ahead,
Melody
What being heartbroken does to you
— for Leen
I’ve seen her.
A smile on her pretty face but her hollow eyes held little shine. The way she speaks, slower than usual, punctuating her every sentence heavily. Her aura a little dim, surrounds her small frame. For a moment I thought to myself, “who is this girl am I looking at?”
Here’s something to share.
When a heart is broken, it never pieces back the same.
She was the most vibrant darling I’ve met. Always laughing, smiling and sharing jokes. Her tender heart, so kind and so young.
Leen* was one of my closest online friends a few years back. We motivate each other, share inside jokes, and even sent each other gifts for Christmas. She was always this bubbly persona online and it was such a thrilling experience to have met her for the first time. I remember how chatty she had been, not stopping until I told her jokingly, “I’m getting thirsty on your behalf.”
All changed a few months back— her fragile heart broken in the meanest way possible. She withdrew herself into a haven she created and no one was allowed near. I remember it wasn’t just tears staining her cheeks every night, but also her wounded heart.
Here’s something to share.
When a heart is broken, it never pieces back the same.
She was the most vibrant darling I’ve met. Always laughing, smiling and sharing jokes. Her tender heart, so kind and so young.
Leen* was one of my closest online friends a few years back. We motivate each other, share inside jokes, and even sent each other gifts for Christmas. She was always this bubbly persona online and it was such a thrilling experience to have met her for the first time. I remember how chatty she had been, not stopping until I told her jokingly, “I’m getting thirsty on your behalf.”
All changed a few months back— her fragile heart broken in the meanest way possible. She withdrew herself into a haven she created and no one was allowed near. I remember it wasn’t just tears staining her cheeks every night, but also her wounded heart.
Leen and I lost contact, her final message to me was to take care and she’ll be back when she feels better.
I trusted her, sent her the kindest and most inspiring message I can muster and prayed for her aching soul. A week ago, I received a text from Leen. She wanted to meet. I was ecstatic + nervous to see her again.
I trusted her, sent her the kindest and most inspiring message I can muster and prayed for her aching soul. A week ago, I received a text from Leen. She wanted to meet. I was ecstatic + nervous to see her again.
I thought of the things I should say and things I shouldn’t.
When the day came, we settled for a nice cozy dinner. She greeted me with a hug and a smile. She looked different, a little plumper, long brown curls replacing her short hair and a new tattoo on her nape. Still charming, but Leen isn’t like the Leen I remembered.
We talked and she mentioned how she got everything sorted, she felt like a new person and she’s happy. She started Pilates classes, traveled to Ho Chi Minh, and got herself a puppy to care. Pain still laced her voice but she’s moving forward and I couldn’t have been prouder of her.
Darling, this is what being heartbroken does to you.
You change, you break and you grieve. Your heart mends itself ever so slowly but you’ll still move forward.
Slowly you’ll find passion again. The courage to try new things comes to you.
A light in you will fight so hard— to show you that you have to carry on and you will.
Leen wasn’t the same. She didn’t glow like how she used to, but making progress to move forward is what made her look more beautiful than she ever did.
To stronger hearts for all who’s been scarred,
When the day came, we settled for a nice cozy dinner. She greeted me with a hug and a smile. She looked different, a little plumper, long brown curls replacing her short hair and a new tattoo on her nape. Still charming, but Leen isn’t like the Leen I remembered.
We talked and she mentioned how she got everything sorted, she felt like a new person and she’s happy. She started Pilates classes, traveled to Ho Chi Minh, and got herself a puppy to care. Pain still laced her voice but she’s moving forward and I couldn’t have been prouder of her.
Darling, this is what being heartbroken does to you.
You change, you break and you grieve. Your heart mends itself ever so slowly but you’ll still move forward.
Slowly you’ll find passion again. The courage to try new things comes to you.
A light in you will fight so hard— to show you that you have to carry on and you will.
Leen wasn’t the same. She didn’t glow like how she used to, but making progress to move forward is what made her look more beautiful than she ever did.
So if you’re ever heart broken, don’t think that it’s the end. A new journey has just begun. Find your light and go with it.
To stronger hearts for all who’s been scarred,
Melody
*name changed for privacy
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